A child asks his father what "gay" means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball
The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

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The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pulls out his dentures and lightly chomps them on his other eyeball

The bartender is fuming, but gives the man his money

The man then orders a beer, and walks away

The man walks back, and bets the bartender $1000 that he can piss directly into a shot glass while running, with 2 attempts

The bartender knows for a fact that this is impossible, and agrees to the bet

On attempt 1, the man gets piss everywhere, and none in the shot glass

The bartender smirks, with high hopes

On attempt 2, the man once again pisses everywhere in the bar, except for the glass

The bartender jumps up and down in excitement, knowing that he has won

Then another man in the corner of the bar screams 'FUCK'

When the bartender asks what the problem is, the man says,
"That asshole just bet me $10,000 that he could piss all over the bar, and that you would be happy"

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After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...
...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

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How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day?
Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”

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I don't know what "procrastinate" means.
I think I'll look it up later

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A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
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The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

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Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back. "What's up?" asks his mate. "Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress." His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you." He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

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Me: "This show is boring."

Boss: "Once again Dave, this is a Zoom conference."

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If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

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My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?"

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A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
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After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him!" While the young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking:

"Life is good. How often does a guy get the chance to kiss a beautiful girl, and slap his Project Manager at the same time."

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Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia
Man: Wait I can explain everything

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A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."
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So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"

The bird is silent as a stone.

"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"

The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night."

As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!"

The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"

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The engine on the airplane sputters to a stop

The captain comes over the intercom. "Attention passengers we've had a minor problem with one of our engines but we have three more and will only be a little late arriving at our destination". A short while later another engine grinds to a halt with a small train of smoke coming from it. Again the captain comes on the intercom. "Attention passengers We are continuing to have minor technical issues with our engines but we have two fully functional engines and will now be an hour late to our destination." Passengers begin to grumble but hope for the best. The third engine also stops and very quickly the captain comes over the intercom. Attention passengers we are down to one engine and are looking for and open runway for maintenance" One of the passengers stands up and says "thank God that fourth engine didn't go otherwise we would be stuck up here all day".

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I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint!

73 metres.

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Germany: Crematoria struggling to keep pace with the number of bodies piling up.

Come on Fritz, I seem to recall you used to be rather good at this type of thing!

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I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....
My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity

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