Sickipedia

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"
I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

#stupid@sickipedia

A child asks his father what "gay" means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

#other@sickipedia

What does 6.9 mean?
Another great thing ruined by a period

#sexandshit@sickipedia

A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball
The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

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The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pulls out his dentures and lightly chomps them on his other eyeball

The bartender is fuming, but gives the man his money

The man then orders a beer, and walks away

The man walks back, and bets the bartender $1000 that he can piss directly into a shot glass while running, with 2 attempts

The bartender knows for a fact that this is impossible, and agrees to the bet

On attempt 1, the man gets piss everywhere, and none in the shot glass

The bartender smirks, with high hopes

On attempt 2, the man once again pisses everywhere in the bar, except for the glass

The bartender jumps up and down in excitement, knowing that he has won

Then another man in the corner of the bar screams 'FUCK'

When the bartender asks what the problem is, the man says,
"That asshole just bet me $10,000 that he could piss all over the bar, and that you would be happy"

#other@sickipedia

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...
...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

#other@sickipedia

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can fuck me."
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Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can fuck me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

#oldbutgold@sickipedia

How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day?
Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”

#other@sickipedia

German adults are mean
German kids are kinder.

#wordplay@sickipedia